I don’t often remember beginnings clearly and I rarely remember endings at all. I’m a little strange that way. I know it began because it was, and I know it ended because it is no more. The important thing is what happened in the middle.
I know we said hello, exchanged names, and talked about our interests. Everyone starts a relationship there. At some point we drifted into more personal details. Perhaps slowly, perhaps quickly, perhaps even too fast. As we relaxed our guard and started to get to know one another, potential vulnerabilities creeped into the relationship. They always do.
Maybe we exposed those vulnerabilities as a defense. Maybe I told you my deepest darkest secret just to see if you’d run away. Maybe I tested the water by bringing up the topic as if it happened to someone else or as a general statistic just to see how you’d react. Maybe I held back but hinted there was some painful event from my past you might not understand. Maybe I somehow managed to combine all three in the conversation.
Maybe you told me your deepest darkest secret. If so, we may have connected on familiar ground or fell into a competition of who’d had the worst life. Maybe you told me your life had been almost perfect until that moment. If so, I promise you I didn’t believe you. Maybe you admitted a painful experience but swore you were fine now. Maybe you described a life I wanted but could never have. Maybe that caused me to strike out with jealousy.
If you stayed after hearing my deepest darkest secret, I probably questioned your sanity or at least your motives. Maybe I upped the drama level or relaxed and let you into my inner sanctum. Maybe I questioned my own motives and sanity. Maybe I questioned my need for drama. Maybe you tried to save me or to fix me. Maybe I rebelled. Maybe I let you try until you were too tired to keep trying.
We grew closer, or did we? Relationships deepen, remain superficial or dissolve.
Maybe our relationship ran its course and naturally dissolved without painful words or feelings of abandonment. Maybe the ending was more abrupt with cruel words or actions. Maybe one of us betrayed the other in some way. Maybe I overwhelmed you with my neediness. Maybe you overwhelmed me. Maybe my aloofness pushed you way. Maybe yours shoved me.
Maybe we hung on to - or still cling to - the threads of our relationship even if all seems lost. We know the threads will either grow stronger, strain until they fray, or break. Maybe one day we even pick up a broken thread and gently tie it back together. It may not be as strong as before . It may or may not experience new growth. Or maybe we send a brand new thread out to start completely over.
Maybe our relationship withstood the strain we placed on its threads and thrives still today. Maybe we know when to give and when to take. Maybe we weathered the tough times standing beside each other without hesitation. Likely even if we weren’t together, the memory of what we had kept us from losing one another completely even when troubles cropped up between us.
There are so many maybes in life that dwelling on an ending - a goodbye - seems pointless. Goodbyes are rarely happy memories and usually result in someone feeling hurt even if the ending is mutual.
Regardless of which path you and I took, it’s up to us to decide where it goes from here…
Mind Fog Reviews recently reviewed All She Ever Wanted. If you’re interested in reading the review, go to either of the websites listed below.
Review of All She Ever Wanted on Mind Fog Reviews
Review of All She Ever Wanted on Author Meeting Place
Okay, Kelly, this one is for you. Sort of. You were disappointed I haven’t done an analysis of my problem writing a true short story about goodbye. Since every attempt I’ve made at a short story has turned into either a poem about avoiding the word goodbye or the first lines of an essay about why I hate goodbyes, maybe it’s time to blog about it. If it helps me get to the short story, all the better. 
When I first read about this writing opportunity, I immediately remembered my Daddy driving to EKU to tell me my beloved Border Collie, TJ, had died. I thought I’d write that story. When I tried, it just didn’t come out right. All I could think was “I never said goodbye to TJ. I don’t even know where on the farm Daddy buried him.”
I didn’t want to tell that story anymore. I made a list of other possible topics. I came up with a few topics. The brown teddy bear I’ve never been able to part with. Saying goodbye to my Grandma when she was dying. The death of my high school classmate, Travis. How the first words I ever said to my husband were “Good Night” as he left the room. A few relationships ending. And so on. Still my pen simply pressed a hole into the paper instead of moving across it.
Then I started thinking about all the ways I avoid saying goodbye. “Love you” to family and really close friends. “Talk to/see you later.” to friends who aren’t quite as close. “Call me.” or “I’ll call you” when appropriate. And so on.
So I turned my focus to goodbyes that aren’t. I’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime. Those unreturned phone calls, letters, and emails that eventually get the message across. The disappearing acts we do from people’s lives when saying “goodbye” would be too uncomfortable, painful or embarrassing. Or even when we fear the goodbye will be too joyful. You know, the “I’m so glad I’ll never have to be near that person again.” feeling. You’ve had it at least once in your life, don’t deny it.
So there I was writing across the paper “I’m not good at saying goodbye. I never have been.” and it dawned on me. I hate goodbyes. Goodbye feels so final.
So yesterday I posted my realization as my Facebook status. The responses made me realize there must be other people in the world who hate goodbyes as much as I do.
Eventually I forced a few words out on a couple of the story ideas from my list, but I felt like they didn’t do the story justice. Therein lies the real problem, I think. This has to be a TRUE story about a REAL experience from my life. Saying goodbye in fiction is easy. I can say goodbye in my poetry. But to write a real life goodbye story that puts my life on display for others to pick apart. Wait a minute, I write this blog, I’ve written essays that put my life on display, so why is THIS story so incredibly hard to write? I wish I knew.
My solution. I have a little time before the story has to be submitted, so I moved the item on my schedule. Perhaps relieving the pressure will help. We’ll see.
Anyway, I’ll let you know if/when I figure it out and get a story on paper.
Okay, this is going to be a bit of a departure from my usual blog posts. It’s going to be about one of my cats, and I’m actually not even going to try to tie it in to my writing.
In December I took Kit, my adult cat, to the vet. I was listening to a Madonna CD on the way. Kit loves riding in the car, so she was relaxed but alert looking out the window. She looked very content and kept giving me “cat kisses”. Then Madonna started singing “I Love New York”. Kit looked like someone had hit her. She started crying and clawing at her carrier. She was reaching toward the source of the sound. I tried to comfort her, and she covered her ears and continued to cry. As soon as I changed the song, she relaxed, started looking out the window and throwing “kisses” my way again. I smiled and suppressed a little laugh. Okay, so she clearly hated the song. No big deal, I can live with not listening to it when I’m with Kit.
Fast forward to last night. I was downloading some music to my ipod, so I turned on itunes on my computer. I put it on shuffle because I like to listen to a mix of music. The playlist I chose has around 1000 songs on it, so I get a nice variety although I have to admit I don’t always remember what’s on the list. I like the surprise that brings. When I’m sitting here, if a song comes on I’m not in the mood for I just skip it. No big deal.
I went to the kitchen to feed the cats while the download processed. The cats started eating. Kit eats on the stairs (a habit she started after we got the kittens. She won’t eat close to them. But that’s another story.) The point is she is close to my office, so she could hear the music better than the rest of us. I started putting away the dishes in the dishwasher when “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew played. (Yeah, folks, I have the song on my itunes list. Get over it.) I wasn’t in the mood for it but not annoyed enough to stop what I was doing to change it. I glanced over at Kit. She stopped eating and looked around with her ears twitching. I watched her her tail start to fluff out. She suddenly darted up the stairs. I looked out the window by the front door. Nothing there. I looked up the stairs. She was peeking around the corner with a disgusted look on her face - the same one she gets on the rare occasion her litter box isn’t clean enough to suit her - and her ears were moving in all directions. I got it then. It’s the music. I turned the song off. Less than a minute later she cautiously wandered back down the stairs, looked around the corner at my office, gave me a chastising look, and resumed eating. So I guess she not only doesn’t like “Me So Horny”, she actually found the song scary. I had to laugh. A little while later, she forgave me with “kisses”, “nosies”, and a rub-by.
On the other hand, put on any John Mayer song, and she completely relaxes.
Kit knows what she likes, and she’s certainly not afraid to let me know.
We could all learn a thing or two from her.
Christina’s question this week:
What’s your take on humility? And does yours make you more prosperous?
Christina says humility to her means “understanding that even though confident is a good way to be, humble is an even better way to be.”
I believe humility is the feeling that creeps in when we feel like someone is giving us too much credit. This doesn’t mean we’re not proud of our accomplishments and/or what it took to make them. It means we’re aware that all isn’t necessarily as it appears to be. Speaking only for myself, I find that when people start complimenting me I start thinking of all the flaws I know exist. It’s my brain’s way of reminding me I’m not perfect. To me humility is that moment in your life when you stop striving to be perfect and can simply shrug and say “I’m not perfect” or as I recently put it on my Facebook page. “I may not always succeed. I’m not perfect and don’t pretend to be. But if you can forgive my faults, I’ll forgive yours. We’ll just enjoy each other’s company on this ride we call life.”
So does this make me more prosperous? Now that’s the million dollar question. I think my approach of seeing humility as meaning I don’t have to be perfect makes me less rigid and more approachable. I’m more willing to accept the small successes and let go of the judgments of others. In a recent poem, I wrote about the temptation to change one’s self to meet other expectations and the impending resentments that creep into the relationship when this happens. I believe we are most prosperous when we accept who we are, accept others for themselves, and realize none of us are perfect. So, while I can’t answer whether it makes me more prosperous from a monetary standpoint - this approach is still too new for me - I can say that I feel more prosperous as a human being.
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I’ve been pondering apologies lately.
As a human being, I’ve thought various things about saying I’m sorry. At one point, I felt I should apologize for everything all the time. Then I thought apologies were a sign of weakness. At another point, I thought apologies were irrelevant because after all they’re just words. Now, I think apologies given when appropriate are important and overuse of apologies can dilute their meaning. At least I think that’s what I think. It certainly sounds reasonable and logical.
It’s easy to say “I’m sorry.” for the little things in life. Bumping into a stranger as you walk through the grocery with your mind on your grocery list instead of where you’re going. Snapping at a loved one in a moment of frustration. Even after an argument no one will remember in a week.
Sometimes though “I’m sorry.” doesn’t seem like enough to cover a wrong. Have you ever been there? Where you know the only thing you can do is apologize and yet the apology feels completely inadequate, maybe even like a cop out. I have more than once.
Is it ever too late for an apology? Granted you can’t go back to the person in the grocery store a week later and apologize, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking those wrongs we commit that are bigger, last longer, and/or change people’s lives or the way they view life. The wrongs that leave scars - physical, emotional, or mental.
Do we sometimes give ourselves more power than we really have when we feel we owe someone an apology after a long period of time? Maybe the wrong in question weighs more on the committer than the receiver. In this case, does an apology do more damage than good? I think the answer depends on the circumstances and the people involved. There is no easy answer.
For example I wrote a poem several years ago about someone I wanted to hear an apology from. I’ll never hear that apology and wouldn’t accept it if I did. I’ll never hear it because I can never take the chance of allowing the person anywhere near my life. I wouldn’t accept it because… well, essentially for the same reason I’ll never hear it. Self-preservation.
On the other hand, I recently apologized to someone for pain I caused many years ago - approximately nineteen/twenty years. This was someone I thought would never speak to me again and with good reason. At the time I hurt this person, hereafter known as J, I was so mired in seeing myself as a victim I was unable to see how any action I took could hurt someone else. I saw myself as being so unimportant, so inconsequential, that my actions were irrelevant. At one point, I even blamed J for not sticking around for more of my verbal and emotional abuse. At another time, I said it was J’s own fault for being “too nice”. We stopped communicating. It was easier for me that way. Probably for J as well. I wasn’t much fun in those days to put it mildly. (Frankly, the word bitch comes to mind.)
Years later when I finally resolved some emotionally traumatic events that happened shortly before I met J (the apology I’ll never hear), I realized how cruel I’d been in my attempts to protect myself. I hurt someone who was only trying to help me. I didn’t - or maybe couldn’t - see it at the time. J was a genuinely nice person with a good heart. My inability to see past my issues didn’t give me the right to strike out at J nor did my lack of capacity to give or receive trust or love. Anyway, I’d long wanted to apologize to J. I got the opportunity. Now I have. Because I didn’t want to rehash everything - and still don’t - I simply apologized for the pain I caused. I have no idea how - or if - J will respond to the apology. I feel a little guilty that it appears J may have already forgiven me because J seemed genuinely happy to hear from me even before I apologized.
I couldn’t really apologize for something specific because it was more a general treating J badly over a period of time. Those are often the hardest things to apologize for and the easiest to excuse. Even looking at the former paragraph, my reasons look like excuses to me though I know them to be honest. We do it every day. We lash out with hurtful words because as we all learned growing up “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words never hurt me.” It’s not true. I’ve both received and given my share of hurtful words. Sometimes those words stick with us forever. The scar may not be visible to everyone we come in contact with, but those who know us , see it and feel it when we lash out at them. I’ve come to hate this phrase once used as a child’s defense on the playground because people take it as a license to say whatever they want regardless of consequences.
I felt better after I sent the email with the apology, but will J get anything from it? I have no idea. If not, then did I apologize to make myself feel better? I hope I’m not that self-centered. Did I apologize seeking forgiveness? I don’t think so, yet I’d like to believe that my actions held no long term negative effects in J’s life. I tell myself I apologized to right a wrong or at least acknowledge a wrong. Twenty years after the fact, righting a wrong doesn’t really seem possible. The damage was done, and we both moved on in different directions. From the look of things, we each built happy lives. So I doubt the apology will bring any real change to either of our lives, but it’s said. If it brings even a small amount of comfort or release, I’m glad I did it. I hope it didn’t cause more pain by stirring up bad memories.
The freedom I felt after I apologized actually frightened me. To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about this situation since I worked through my issues. Part of restoring my emotional balance (assuming I had ever had emotional balance) was to acknowledge and accept that my actions could and did hurt other people. This situation was one of these. I never thought I’d get the opportunity to apologize to J, so I put it to the side with an “if the opportunity presents itself then I’m meant to apologize. If not, life goes on.” attitude. Yet, my sense of release nudges a guilt forward that perhaps this apology was a helluva lot more about me than J. And, an apology should always be about the person hurt not the hurter.
So you tell me. Is there anyone you feel owes you an apology? Is there anyone you’d like to give an apology? Do you think an apology frees the apologizer, the apologizee, or both?
If you had the opportunity to apologize to someone you wronged a long time ago, would you do it? Or would you just hope all was forgiven and move forward?
As a writer, I often explore wrongs committed in my poetry, fiction, and essays. Unresolved issues make fabulous fodder for writers. Committed wrongs can range from personal relationships to social injustice to atrocities around the world. The written word explores all of these or at least has the potential. Sometimes I explore the apology as well, but more often than not writing the apology or other righting of the wrong is the end of the story - the resolution - especially in fiction. Real life seems to be quite a bit different where apologies are regarded. There are numerous possible outcomes to an apology.
Can you turn your need to give, or receive, a long overdue apology into a poem, a short story, an essay, or a blog? Can you find inspiration in an event from your past for which the pain has dulled but not been forgotten?
Inspiration often comes from these sources even if we don’t realize it. Embrace it, run with it, and write authentically.
Or maybe even apologize to someone if you think it will do good.
Last week was quite busy and I never got around to answering the question posed in The Prosperous Writer by Christina Katz. Christina asked writers to discuss if they could be both passionate and keep their wits.
I write from a passionate place and edit with my wits firmly in place. That’s the perfect marriage of passion and intellect for me. I dump all the silly, gushy, overly emotional, passionate stuff on the page first. Just get it out there. Then I go back and prepare it for readers. Sometimes I find restraint has leaked in and squashed the passion that brings sizzle to the page during my initial mind and heart dump, but that’s rare. Usually, I find gems to keep in the initial work and rework things that seem melodramatic or overly flowery.
Anyway, that’s what works for me to keep my passion for my subject and my work in check. I think we each have to find our own way to balance the passion with the message in our work.
This week, Christina talked about containment in The Prosperous Writer. The question she asked writers to examine whether their inner wealth was overflowing or run dry. First, in discussing containment she talks about filling and maintaining our well of inner wealth in order to share it. What is my take on containment? Right now I wouldn’t say my inner well is overflowing, because for me giving and taking is a part of every day. I’m learning to give when it’s appropriate and to hold back when I need to for myself. I recently blogged about leaving a listserv where I felt I gave and wasn’t appreciated leading me to feel drained. I think we all need to evaluate where we’re giving and change it if the source is draining us dry and never giving back. I’ve kept a pretty good check on what works for me to keep my writing, my life, and my inner being in balance for a couple of years now. Or, at least, I like to think I have. I can positively say I notice now when my inner bank has suffered to many withdrawals. Then I set about finding a way to fill the account again. Learning to say “no” - still a struggle at times - has helped tremendously with the balance I need for my life.
If you’re interested in Christina’s newsletter, The Prosperous Writer, visit http://christinakatz.com/.
Saturday night my husband and I watched the Eugene Ballet perform Dark Side of the Moon, a ballet based on and performed to music from Pink Floyd’s album, Dark Side of the Moon at The Hult Center in Eugene, Oregon. The performance was incredibly well executed and quite beautiful.
They started the evening with two shorter ballets, Without the Cover, exploring societal constraints and people breaking free, and Common Ground, an exploration of the constant struggle between nature, science, and industry. Both Without the Cover and Common Ground were visually interesting and well executed. Common Ground, at times was a bit too “natural” but was stunning in its presentation of message.
The star of the evening was the main event, Dark Side of the Moon. With The Floydian Slips, a Pink Floyd Tribute Band, playing live behind the performers, the event’s energy was magical. The dancers performed classical ballets moves interspersed with modern dances moves seamlessly. The vocals of the songs lent a depth to the movements on stage that left me breathless. Several times during the performance, I mouthed “Oh my God” as I marvelled at the power of the performance. The stunning visual effect mesmerized me. When spontaneous applause broke out in the audience at what would have seemed inappropriate times during any other ballet it broke me out of the my trance. The energy the dancers put into the moves and the joy with which they performed was apparent and spellbinding.
The performance by The Floydian Slips was very well done. I’ve seen Pink Floyd in concert, so I was a bit concerned I wouldn’t be able to give this part of the performance a fair chance. The Floydian Slips capture the spirit and the essence of Pink Floyd’s music very well.
The collaboration between the Eugene Ballet and The Floydians Slips created a memorable, enjoyable, interesting, playful, fun performance that was visually stunning and musically satisfying!
This was by far the best ballet performance I’ve seen yet!
Now, if I may make a suggestion. Eugene Ballet, how about The Wall next year? What do you think?
A friend of mine started a graduate program in counseling in January. While I’m happy for her, I’m feeling a little… Well, I’m not exactly sure what I’m feeling, but maybe I’ll find it as I write.
A bit about my story.
I studied Corrections & Juvenile Services as well as Psychology in college. I loved my studies. When I graduated from college in 1992, I intended to get either go to law school or get a doctorate in Psychology. After working in a home for juvenile delinquents for six months, I decided law school was for me. Working with troubled teens in the home with so many restrictions against things that could actually help left me feeling like trying to help people overcome their issues would kill me. I mean that more literally than it might sound. I was worn out physically, emotionally, and mentally by the end of the six months. Physically because I was working an unrealistic schedule. It was so bad, I still remember the precise hours to this day. (Wed 9am-11am staff meeting, Wed midnight to 8am Thursday, Thursday midnight to 8am Friday, Saturday 4pm-midnight (usually actually left around 1or 1:30am, Sunday 8am to midnight). Emotionally because I was constantly dealing with drama whether at work or at home. I wasn’t good at leaving my work at work. I identified all too often with the problems the girls expressed. Mentally because it seemed like everything I’d learned in college didn’t apply in the real world and I couldn’t figure out why. At the time, I didn’t feel like I could keep going. It was either the job, my marriage, or me. I could handle the job and my problems or my marriage and my problems, but not both. And, I knew it. I opted for my marriage and quit the job. Quitting anything was never easy for me. After some long thought, long discussions with my husband, and reading several books, I reached the decision that law school was the right way to go. A lot of factors went into my decision but in the end, it boiled down to two things. Neither of which make me especially proud. 1) The time and money involved and 2) My husband favored law school because he’d just witnessed and been affected by the turmoil, disillusionment, and helplessness I’d felt dealing with troubled teens and he didn’t get the appeal of psychology. (As an engineer, he’s more grounded in applying equations and logic to problem solving.)
So I began studying to take the LSAT. I also started reading books recommended for those planning to apply for law school. The boredom and frustration I felt while reading these should’ve been my first clue. I’m a real “but what if” kind of person. I always wanted to know more about the circumstances. I wanted to know the why behind the actions of the people and the why for every decision. I wanted to know every little thing about the circumstances. I had a hard time accepting the decisions presented in the books. I undrestood there was a legal reason, but I wanted to know how the victim was surviving and if the perpertrator could be “rehabilitated”. Still, I persisted. I studied and studied. I felt prepared. Then I received my LSAT scores. I scored lower than I would’ve liked. I couldn’t afford to retake the test at that time, so I revised the list of law schools I’d created to include ones more in line with my score.
We also realized not soon after I left my job that we couldn’t survive on my husband’s salary alone. He was working as a contract employee at Lexmark. I started temping. I needed something with the flexibility to keep up my studies but that would help us make ends meet. Surviving on $10.00 a week for groceries was getting tough. Sometimes I’m not sure how we did it. After a couple of short term assignments, I was offered permanent employment by a company where I was temping. I took it. A situation arose on that job that lead me to lose faith in the legal system and revisit my fascination with psychology.
Then, my husband got a job in Columbus, Ohio. A move was in order. Since he’d been working as a contract employee and my job was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, this looked perfect to us. More money, a steady job, and I could apply to the OSU Law School. I filled out the application to the OSU Law School and mailed it in. They didn’t accept me, so I started looking at other law schools. However, looking back, I’m not so sure my heart was in the search. I started thinking about Psychology again. I temped for a while then got a job at Franklin University. I really liked that job and thought the opportunity to take some classes might help me apply to law schools when the time was right. One big thing hanging over my head through all of this was we were in debt and had no money for school, so I had no idea how I was going to go even it I got accepted somewhere.
Then, time to move again. This time to Boise, Idaho where my husband had a job offer. He’d applied for a job in California with my law school ambitions in mind, but, alas, the company offered him Idaho. No law school in Boise and no Master’s/Doctorate program in Clinical Psychology either. But, financially, we couldn’t afford for him to turn down the job or for me to even go back to college. So we moved with the idea that we’d stay in Boise three years. We would get out of debt and save some money. Then, he’d look for a job in a place where I could pursue one or the other of my ambitions. I would write full time. I’d never quit writing, so that was the one constant in my career life. However, I wasn’t pursuing publication very much in those days. Seemed like a good plan.
We stayed in Boise for 13 years give or take a couple of months. Somewhere around year 4 or 5, I stopped even thinking about pursuing either of my former ambitions. I temped a while, worked through some personal issues, wrote a lot, and eventually became involved with planning Murder in the Grove. Occasionally, I’d feel a little twinge that I’d let both of those dreams go, but life was good enough that it no longer seemed to matter. My husband, however, finally expressed to me that he was bothered that I’d given up on both. He started asking me if I regretted it. At first I said no. Then maybe. Then I’m not sure. Eventually, I started wondering if I should pursue the Psychology degree. I was totally over the law degree thing by then. So I started researching it. Me, being me, was only interested in the original ambition, and never considered anything else. It was a Doctorate in Psychology or nothing.
Part of the reason my husband pursued a position in Oregon was my desire to get my Master’s in Psychology. When we moved I still hadn’t made a decision. I had lunch with a lady from the psychology department at OSU a few times, and we talked about my goals. I left the lunches feeling happier about writing full-time and less interested in pursuing the degree. My interest I have is in why people do what they do. And, that I can continue to pursue on my own through my writing. And, I can reach a broader audience through the written word than I can through one-on-one counseling.
So am I saying I’ll never pursue that degree? Well, no, I’m not. I’m saying it’s not right for me at the moment. I don’t know if it ever will be.
So where was this going? Oh, yeah, my reaction to Kelly’s life change. Well, here’s what I know. I love my life. I love writing. I love when someone reads my words and finds something to which they can relate. So I guess what happened when I read Kelly’s news was a twinge of “what if” related to those past dreams.
Life works best when we let go of what we expected it to be, embrace the now, and move forward.
Several months ago my husband and I decided to experiment with removing meat from our diet. We wanted to see if we’d notice a difference in our health. We started out with an easy enough goal. We would go two weeks without eating meat. Of course, he decided he wanted to try this the day after I do the grocery shopping and have filled the freezer with chicken, beef, lamb, and salmon. I’d been pushing him to try this for several years, so I didn’t voice a single complaint. Besides, we’d just decided to start fixing our cats homemade food (post on this coming soon). I decided to use the meat for that.
We met our two week challenge easily, so we added a month to it. That wasn’t quite so easy. My husband had a business trip, and he indulged. We decided to have upside down - a chicken dish - for my birthday.
We’re now still mostly meat-free. I call it a quasi-vegetarian diet. We’ve eaten fish or poulty a few times in the past few months. We don’t make a fuss when we visit other people. If they’re serving meat, we just eat it at least for now. For years, we’ve had some kind of meat, poultry, or fish almost every night with the occasional vegetarian meal thrown in for variety. My husband complained almost every time there wasn’t meat on the table.
It can be a struggle to get enough protein in a vegetarian diet, and the fact that already we ate a low-carb diet created some challenges to eating meat free. Plus, we avoid processed foods. However, I tend to like a challenge. And, I love cooking. Those who know me well are nodding right now.
As soon as my husband said he wanted to try this, I got out a stack of my cookbooks and started searching for all the vegetarian recipes I’d been wanting to try for ages. I ended up with over 50 recipes to try or try again, bought a low carb vegetarian cookbook, and downloaded some recipes we saw on television. I still have several cookbooks to go through once we get through the first list of recipes. I’ve also bought two more vegetarian cookbooks in the last month and expanded the original list. There are a few recipes we liked enough to eat several times.
We don’t really miss the meat. It seemed like a treat to have turkey on Thanksgiving, but we were over that pretty quick. We sent a nice portion of the turkey home with our guests. After the second day of turkey, we gave the rest to our cats. We roasted a duck on Christmas, but the cats enjoyed it more than we did. I ate about half a breast. My husband ate a little more than I did. Our three cats ate the rest over a couple of meals. While the cats feasted on duck, my husband and I ate portobello burgers and were much happier with that.
So, are we going vegetarian? I don’t know yet. We may still eat fish in season. There are a couple of chicken dishes that we like. My husband loves a couple of lamb dishes. So I’m guessing we’ll continue to eat our favorites on occasion. And, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not about depriving ourselves. It’s about feeling better and about supporting humane lives for animals.
The idea that we treat animals like products instead of living, breathing beings saddens and angers me. When we watched an episode of “How It’s Made” that focused on chicken, I lost my appetite for chicken. To watch baby chicks being pushed along on the conveyor belt and sorted like apples broke my heart. I had to leave the room to keep from crying or throwing something at the television.
Over the weekend, my husband told his Mom we’re vegetarian now, so I think he’s embraced the idea and is enjoying it. I haven’t told my parents yet though I did tell them we were experimenting with the idea. I still have a hard time saying we’re full on vegetarian because I don’t think we’ve been “meat free” long enough to make it official.
We’re not going vegan though. We discussed it but were both reluctant to give up half and half in our coffee, cheese, and eggs. I think I could quit eating scrambled eggs (the only way I eat eggs by themselves), but I don’t think I could give up all the foods made with eggs.
I’ve almost quit having heartburn since we stopped eating meat every night. I think I’ve even lost a little weight. That’s surprising because we kind of fell into a habit of eating more carbs than usual as we adjusted. I feel overall lighter, more energetic, and more focused.
So, all in all, I love our meat free experiment. I’m enjoying cooking new recipes. I like the way I feel. Strangely, I don’t miss meat at all. At least not yet.
I’ll keep you posted…
A little over a year ago I decided to remove myself from a situation that was causing me frustration as well as serving as a major distraction in my life. Okay, it’s not as devastating as it sounds. It was a listserv for a writers group. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the group per se. I just needed to see if a break from the group would energize my writing. A part of me hoped it wouldn’t. I wanted to believe the group served a vital purpose in my life and in my career. I’d come to the point that I didn’t even want to share my good news with the group because I didn’t think most of the members would care. Okay, to be honest, I expected it to launch a dissection of my choices resulting in a series of criticisms. When I realized that I didn’t want to share with them a contest I’d won or upcoming radio interviews I scheduled, I knew there was something wrong with my membership in the group. Whether the problem was me or them or just the dynamic of the two mixing I wasn’t sure.
So I did it. I put the group on digest, barely scanned the subject lines for the next several months, and held back from posting a reply, new thread, or even my good news for the entire year. I checked recently to see when my last post was because I didn’t write it down when I made my decision. All I remembered was it was sometime in January 2009. My last post appears to have been January 24, 2009.
Now this is the part where I think I’m supposed to say I missed the camaraderie of the group, the discussions about the industry, the inspiration the discussions created, etc. I also think I’m supposed to say my work suffered. I’m supposed to say how much the group helped me and how beneficial it is. And, I really want to be able to say all those things. However, the opposite happened. My writing output increased significantly. I started a blog. I found other outlets for talking to writers who made me feel inspired. And, I shared my good news with people who actually got excited for me! I put my focus back on my original intentions for writing and moved them away from pleasing ”the in crowd”. Geez, I thought I outgrew that after high school. Wow! I actually feel a little sad at the outcome because I think online groups have the potential to be very beneficial to people, and it all comes down to what people are looking for in life. On the other hand, my writing has moved forward more in the last year than it had in a couple of years. How much that has to do with not participating in the conversations on this listserv, I can’t be sure. I turned my energies toward writing articles and blogs instead of long emails answering questions, providing information and/or other viewpoints, defending viewpoints to try to convince people closed to any idea other than the one they started with, and trying to build relationships, for lack of a better word, with people who were at best indifferent.
I’ve avoided mentioning a group name because the group may well be very beneficial for other people, and I don’t want to discourage people from giving online groups a try. Rather I want people to be cognizant of the amount of time they spend on groups and other discussions, so they can see whether or not participating in the group is have a negative effect on their work, their psyches, or just their lives. If the group becomes an excuse for not working on the projects at hand or for postponing new projects, it may be time for a hiatus. I found it easy to convince myself that participating in the group was part of my “job”, and so excused the excessive amount of time I spent reading posts and composing answers. It is good to participate in groups, and when beneficial it can be a part of the job, BUT, as writers our first job is to write. Group participation is part of networking and should handled as such.
I haven’t left this group and don’t have plans to leave any time soon. I also don’t plan to up my activity by much in the coming months. My participation though will be based on my progress on my projects, whether I have anything meaningful to add to the conversation, and the time I have left at the end of the day.
So don’t feel pressured to participate in groups at the expense of your own projects. On airplanes they tell us to put on our oxygen mask before we try to help anyone else. The metaphor can be applied to writing. Make sure your writing is breathing and flourishing before you step in to help others. Participate as much as fits your life and don’t worry about disappointing other people. So write first, participate whenever you can and want to, and keep an eye on your priorities. That’s what I plan to do.
I published a new article exploring how I became a writer on Associated Content today. Take a look!
I subscribe to Christina Katz’s new newsletter, The Prosperous Writer. She gives interesting assignments each week. They revolve around answering questions to put you on the path to finding prosperity in your writing. As my calendar has been, and still is, completely full, I’ve not had a chance to participate. So I thought I’d get caught up in this one blog. I’m not sure I’ll address all 52 of the blog assignments coming this year because I’ve decided to put MY work first and make things that are related but don’t create direct results lower on my priority list. Sorry Christina, I think your newsletter serves a great purpose, and I hope others will find it helpful, but I must pay attention to my priority list first.
The first issue asked “Who do you dedicate your writing to in 2010? “
I thought about this a long time. I write fiction and essays to spark discussion through the exploration of issues - social, political, interpersonal, cultural, etc. I write poetry mostly for my own self-expression but I’m finding my need to explore issues bleeds into my poetry more frequently lately. So when it comes right down to it, I dedicate my writing to anyone who is dedicated to making the world a better place for all of us. As generic as they may sound, it isn’t really. I admire people who are willing to help others. I think it’s something we don’t do enough. Sure we step up to the plate in a time of crisis, but what about the people who suffer on a daily basis. They deserve to be noticed as well.
The second week Christina wrote about self-respect. She asked some questions to spur her readers to examine their level of self-respect.
On a scale of one to ten, how’s your self-respect? Can you say no? Do you say yes to yield to social pressure and supposed-tos and then suffer for it? Are you catering to too many other people’s needs but burning out in the process? Do you listen to and trust your instincts about what is and isn’t the best way to proceed?
Generally, I rank my self-respect around an 8 if placed on a scale from one to ten. I still struggle with saying no to people but I’m getting better at it every day. No is a very powerful word. I’ve seen it stop people dead in their tracks. Last year I wrote about my struggle with the writers groups in which I have memberships. I now realize that blog entry was about self-respect. The question I asked was “Am I staying in these writers groups because they benefit me? If not, why am I staying?” I even discussed how the online listserv of one of the groups made me feel bad about myself based on the comments posted by group members. As for trusting my instincts, as a general rule, I do. There are only a few people in this world who can convince me to question my instincts. Even with them, I won’t abandon my instincts, but I will hear them out and see if their input affects my initial assessment.
The third week examined focus.
So, what does it feel like to be focused? Pause for a second and think about it, those of you who have felt focused before. Can you put being focused into words? And how does being focused create different results than a time in your life when you were unfocused?
Ah, this is a biggie for me. I tend to try to take on too much at at time leading to a lack of focus. I always think I can do more than humanly possible in a given amount of time. When I’m truly focused on my writing, the words flow from my mind to my fingers onto the paper/screen without effort. I can’t be pulled away from the work, and I’m almost always pleased with the outcome when I’m finished. To be focused is for the project I’m working on to be in tune with my body, my mind, and my soul. Yoga helps me to find that focus in other areas of my life like my writing because it requires such focus to hold the poses correctly and continue to breath. I often stop and take a few yoga breaths in the middle of unfocused moments to help me focus again. When I’m unfocused, I start a lot of projects and have a lot going on without reaching completion of anything. A lack of focus leaves me feeling unfulfilled and unsuccessful but busy nonetheless. Busy with focus produces results while busy without focus creates chaos in my mind, my body, my soul, and my life.
So, there, I’ve completed the questions for the first three issues. I feel like I’ve done an activity similar to this before but not in such a public manner…
If these exercises help me to focus on my work, accomplish results, and publish my work, they just may serve to be worth adding to my schedule though I’m still not going to promise to do every one or to do them on time. I’ve fallen into that trap with other things, and my work suffered for it. I can’t allow that to happen.
Writers, if you’d like to give Christina’s newsletter a try, go to her website to sign up.
Wow, it’s been a slow blog month for me. I’ve started 5 posts (this one makes 6) but have yet to finish one. I have a good reason. Or maybe you’ll think it’s an excuse. I’ve been working on my manuscript and getting to all those pesky to-do items still lingering on my list from 2009. Those are finally done. In addition, I’ve been working hard to not fall behind this year. Yes, I’m already behind and it’s only January 15th. I’ve come to the conclusion this happens because somewhere in the back of my mind I believe I’m allotted more hours in the day than everyone else. Hand in hand with that delusion is the one that says if I put it on my list for a day I can do it that day. Oh, I already have 20 1-hour items on the list, I can do 1 more. After all, if I try really hard, I can do some of them in 30 minutes instead of an hour. No, I don’t think I’m superwoman. I just think everything is my responsibility. There I said it. (Ha, Kelly, I beat you to it.)
I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist, so I have a hard time thinking anything is “perfect” enough to be considered complete. I’m learning to let that go. One day, hopefully soon, I’ll really let it go. I’m afraid to set a date because if I fail that would be… well, less than perfect.
So, as soon as I finish typing the changes to Red, I’ll get back to work on those blog entries.
I’m really looking forward to 2010. I’m not sure why. Maybe I just like the sound of it. Twenty-ten. It has a nice ring to it. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions because I find them pointless. I do set goals for each year though. I don’t tend to make those goals public, but they give me something to work toward. I met most of my goals for 2009. One of my big goals didn’t quite make it though. That was the publication of Red. I could’ve forced it with a self-publish option, but I chose not to. (I’ll discuss this further in another post eventually.) I’ll move that goal to 2010 and ask all of you to send positive vibes into the universe for me that a publisher will offer me a fabulous contract.
Ringing in the New Year is always interesting to me. I tend to analyze, plan, and re-evaluate things constantly, so I don’t feel that end of year push to make changes in the coming year. I’m always happy to celebrate the completion of one year and the beginning of another. Celebrating a year’s successes is great fun. Learning from a year’s failures is just as important and sometimes worth a celebratory note as well. Accepting the things beyond my control in a given year is usually the hardest thing for me. I always search for what I could’ve done differently to give myself a different outcome. I have a hard time accepting it when there was nothing. That’s the control-freak perfectionist in me rearing her ugly head, but that’s okay. I give her a little chocolate and sparkling wine and tell her to take a nap. Yeah, never works, but the chocolate and wine taste good.
I’m happy with where I stand in my life on this last day of 2009 and looking forward into 2010. Not every move was a success, but every move brought something to my life that may not have been there otherwise.
So I hope you’ll take a few minutes to reflect on your successes and your failures as well as what you learned from both. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to appreciate those who’ve brought love, laughter, and joy into your life not just in 2009 but throughout your life. I hope you’ll take a few minutes to think how you can bring love, laughter, and joy into someone else’s life.
Wishing you happy memories of 2009 and great memory making in 2010!
Happy New Year!
As many of you know, my husband and I don’t celebrate Christmas. We actually celebrate very few holidays as far as that goes. We generally have a Thanksgiving dinner and often invite friends to join us. We’ll attend family events IF we happen to be in Kentucky when they happen. Oddly enough for people who don’t celebrate Christmas, we send out approximately 175 holiday cards every year, and every year I swear that I’m going to cut the list way back the next year but that doesn’t seem to happen. We remove people whose addresses are no longer valid and add new friends we’ve met, so we always end up somewhere between 170 and 178 cards. We’ll cook a special meal on Christmas Day just because we’re both home and we like to cook. I decided to roast a duck this year. It’ll be my first time. Wish me luck. But other than that, no decorations, no tree, and no presents. I like it this way. We’re not scrooges. We give generously to people in our lives throughout the year - at least we try to. Some years we’re more successful at it than others. This is a choice we’ve made and I have no desire to change it.
I think about what people call the Christmas Spirit with heaviness in my heart as odd as that may sound. It seems like people care more around the holidays - or at least express it more, are more charitable, become more family oriented, and reach out to friends more readily. If that’s Christmas Spirit, I think life is sadly lacking something. Shouldn’t we care about the world and other people every day of the year? Shouldn’t we be generous every day of the year? Should we focus on our loved ones every day of the year? Shouldn’t we express our love for others and our desire for “peace on earth” every day of the year? Otherwise, isn’t it all just lip service?
Last year, I wrote an essay about my most memorable Christmas experience. Many of you may have read it. Those of you who missed it can read it at Christmas Ends . I’ll warn you, it may show you a side of my family you didn’t know existed. Anyway, enjoy the essay. If you read it last year, there are no changes, I just thought I’d post the link for those who missed it.
Happy Holidays to you whatever holiday you celebrate. If you choose not to celebrate any holiday, then just know I wish you happiness. May you carry a generosity of spirit, a loving heart, and an understanding spirit always.
I’ve been thinking a lot about charity and charitable giving lately. My husband and I aren’t the types to wait for the holiday season to do our donating. We donate throughout the year when we see a need we can help with. I get annoyed with the push for people to donate around the holidays. I understand it, but it still annoys me. People who are hungry are just as hungry in July as in November or December. We hear what a shame it is that people have to do without on Thanksgiving or Christmas. What about the other 363 days of the year? Is it okay that they go hungry then? Where is that charitable spirit in the middle of July’s soaring heat?
Sometimes I wonder how much it really has to do with a charitable spirit at all. Maybe it has more to do with the approaching of the end of the year and needing to get those tax write-offs in. Charities know this is the case, and they will remind people some more bluntly than others. Then there are those who feel guilt over buying a bunch of presents that won’t be appreciated in six months. Do those in need care why you’re giving? No, they don’t have time to waste on such thoughts.
Yet I feel the need to examine my own attitudes toward charity from time to time. I want to give from a place of caring, so that I always support charities that I believe in rather than giving from a place of guilt. It’s important to me that the money, time, talent and goods I donate are really being used to help those in need or society as a whole.
I’ve noticed lately there are food donation bins in most of the grocery stores, Salvation Army volunteers ringing bells in store doorways, and cashiers asking if you’d like to donate a book for foster children to name a few. This week alone I donated money to pet shelters through Petco’s drive, bought a book for a foster child through a drive at Borders, and took a box of items to Safehaven, a local pet shelter. Why now? Well, the opportunities were right in front of my face, so it was easy. Still, earlier in the year, we donated items and money to various charities as well as medical research organizations. I’m not sure how much we’ve donated this year, but I’m sure I’ll be surprised when I add it up in a few weeks for our taxes.
I think giving to worthy organizations is important and worthwhile. I wish people felt the same way in July as in December. I don’t think it’s Christmas spirit to be charitable around the holidays. If you want to truly give to the community or help the downtrodden, please find ways to do so throughout the year. Not just during the holiday season.
Contributing my essay, The Gift of You, to the book, Be the Star You Are! for Teens: Simple Gifts for Living, Loving, Laughing, Learning, and Leading
It’s easy for us to give money or old stuff cluttering up our homes, but I, for one, need to be more generous with my time and talents to help others. What about you?
So go ahead and give today, tomorrow, next week, etc. Just don’t forget that there are people and animals who need help every month of the year.
My husband has been in England on business this week. Every time he goes out of town, I create an enormous list of things to do. I want to keep busy, and I always think it’ll be a good time to catch up on the things I just haven’t had time to do. I always forget three things that will interfere with my best laid plans. I’ll have trouble sleeping making my mornings sluggish and unproductive. I’ll forget to fix decent meals, so I’ll end up eating whatever I can throw together in the least amount of time meaning I’ll eat unbalanced meals and increase my chocolate intake. I’ll wait anxiously by the telephone when I know it’s about time for him to call just like a lovesick schoolgirl. All these things are the perfect formula to make concentration impossible and productivity decline.
This time when he left I decided to set my goals a little more realistic. So here goes in no particular order.
Finish filling out and mail holiday cards. DONE!
Finish editing Red (the hand edits). DONE! (wouldn’t have made it if he hadn’t missed his connecting flight yesterday but I’m counting it anyway.)
Type changes to Red. Not even started.
Edit stack of poems written recently. Not even started.
Take car in for oil change and tire pressure check. DONE!
Take Kit to vet for 1 year checkup and a booster vaccine. DONE! (Also, took Kit to Petco after vet. She likes to go there with me. She also likes to ride in the car. Go figure.)
Get hair cut. (Well, that was already on my schedule but I kept the appointment. DONE!
Pick up check for clothes sold at Second Glance. DONE! (and it was a nice one, too)
Take pile of checks on my desk to the Credit Union to deposit. (Some had been there for at least six weeks). DONE!
Update Quicken. Not even started.
Clean the house thoroughly. DREAM ON!
Make CDs of my work as Partners in Crime newsletter editors and mail to Angie and Blane. Not started yet.
And, there were a few other little items on the list. Some I did, others I didn’t. But they were more if I have time I’ll do them items.
Of course, this was in addition to the daily chores I already do.
How long was he going to be gone? You ask. From Monday to Friday.
So I’m grading myself. Since I got the ones highest on my priority list done, I’m giving myself an B. I’d give myself an A if I at least did part of the thorough house cleaning. An A- if I’d at least updated Quicken.
I don’t care though. My husband will be home in a few hours, and that’s the most important thing! I can’t wait. But let’s see if I can knock one or two more items off my list before he actually pulls in the driveway this afternoon. Then maybe I can give him my full attention - well at least until he zonks out. International travel is exhausting.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Every year around this time, I evaluate the writers groups/organizations to which I belong especially those that require membership fees. Belonging to a number of writers groups can become quite costly. Individually, the fees don’t seem like so much. When I run a report though that shows how much I paid in group membership fees in a year, I’m always surprised. The total for the writers groups I belonged to came close to $200.00 this year. Did I get $200.00 worth of service from these groups? When I break it down individually, I realize it varies from group to group. Some groups have a better return on investment than others. Isn’t that how we should judge our memberships? The groups always tout their potential benefits. Potential is the key word here. If due to location, money constraints, or other obstacles, a potential benefit isn’t available to me personally, I don’t think I should include it as a benefit. What if what one considers a benefit, I actually find determental to my work? Do I have to consider it then? I don’t think so. So as I begin to weigh these issues, I become less and less enamored with the groups I’ve joined.
One of the national groups in which I have a membership has a fairly active Yahoo group that allows members to discuss issues and share good news. I used to be fairly active in this group often contributing to the discussions and trying to both share what I’ve learned and learn from others. After awhile, I realized this group’s discussions had become a distraction and that they were making me feel uninspired and, at times, even bad about myself. Since support for fellow writers is a big part of this group’s mission, I became disheartened with the group. I put them on “digest” and scanned the headlines every few days. My writing output soon increased, my work gained some attention, and I began to feel good about my writing again. This seems a clear signal there’s something about this group - at least the Yahoo portion of it - that doesn’t work for me. I’m left wondering how that reflects on the group as a whole. Many of its members are on the listserv. In the past few weeks, as I’ve mulled over my memberships, I’ve started reading the digests a bit more often and a bit more closely. I’m beginning to feel that same mental distraction and judged attitude that I felt a year ago when I put them on digest. And I’ve not even commented on the group since last January according to my sent items box! How can I feel judged and criticized when I’m not even posting anything? I’m torn. This group has a really good reputation, and that could be useful to me. On the other hand, why should I continue to support a group that I don’t feel supports me? I didn’t even share my good writing news with the group this past year. I guess I still could, but, honestly, I doubt very many of the members would be happy for me. It saddens me to feel that way.
Another group to which I belong, let’s call it regional, provides little for me. I receive an occasional bit of information about happenings I can’t attend. They will publish my “good news” if/when I submit it to them. . I keep forgetting I’m a member of this group. I’m not so sure it’s worth it for what I pay in membership fees. I’ve looked for ways to be more involved with this group, but I really feel the only thing I get from my membership is “the potential for” but not the actuals.
Another group to which I belong is an easy decision at least for now. There are meetings, albeit, a bit inconvenient because of the distance, but it works okay. They provide nice bits of information about things happening in the general area and provide some opportunities for promotion. I’ll keep this memberhship.
There’s one more group under consideration at the moment. It’s a long distant group of which I was an active member before my move to Oregon. It’s not a very active group, so the membership benefits mostly consist of their newsletter and occasionally online discussions. I’ve not made a fnal decision, but I’m leaning toward keeping my membership here for one more year.
A couple of other groups to which I belong aren’t currently under consideration for different reasons.
Evaluating what a group does for you is always a tough chore. Especially when you know the “potential” even though the potentials never seem to become actual whether due to the group dynamic, your own personal goals and attitudes, or to the group having lost its way somewhere along the line.
Even writing this blog hasn’t helped me make a final decision on the group that’s creating the biggest dilemma for me. Guess I’ll just have to think about it some more.
It probably comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I think books make excellent presents. As an author and an avid reader, how could I think otherwise?
Books teach us, inspire us, and change us. Books allow us to feel connected to the whole world. Books give us the opportunity to see ourselves in characters that surprise us. They allow us to see the world through someone else’s eyes. We can choose to always read about characters who are much like ourselves, but where’s the fun in that? Books with characters from cultures we’ve never experienced can allow us to step into that culture for a little while without ever leaving the comfort of our homes. A well written book can take us to England, the Sahara, Paris, or the depths of the jungle. We can understand history better through stories that examine not just the events but how people were affected. We can feel a sense of justice through crime novels where the bad guys always get caught - or killed. We can confront our prejudices and biases without feeling threatened. We can learn about the world around us, the people in it, and ourselves in the pages of books. Knowledge comes to us when we open our minds and hearts to allow it in.
Read a good book this winter. You just might escape to some far away place or maybe go just across town. You just might find compassion for a human being you didn’t consider worthy before you started the book. You just might learn something to enrich your life. On the other hand, maybe all that will happen is you will be entertained for a few hours. That’s all right, too.
Here are ten books I think are worth reading. There are many more and I feel incredibly guilty about every one I’m ommitting from the list, but here goes. They are in no particular order. Some are parts of series and so may require reading those that come before in the series. I’ll try to indicate the number in the series when that’s the case.
And Those Left Behind
L.A. Requiem (Elvis Cole Novels)
A Time to Kill: A Novel
The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Jane Eyre (Vintage Classics)
Billy
Night Sins
Girls of Riyadh
The Notebook
The Bean Trees: A Novel (P.S.)
This in no way is a complete list of books I wish everyone would read but it’s a good start. I would add that my novel, All She Ever Wanted
To buy any of the titles mentioned, click on the link. It will take you to Amazon to purchase the book.
To see other books I’ve enjoyed check out my reviews at TL’s Picks.