Sometimes Christina Katz’s topics are so frighteningly on target for the events in my life, I wonder if she has my office bugged!! This week she discussed being busy in The Prosperous Writer.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to figure out how I can add something new to my already overcrowded schedule. As I looked at shifting my priorities around, eliminating some activities, and postponing others, I began to have panic attacks. I would sit at my desk frozen, clutching my chest as my heart pounded, and struggling for breath. My guilt over projects I’m already neglecting as I work on smaller projects began to overtake my rational thought process. The truth is that I’m always busy. And, I get a lot done but am I focusing on the things I want to accomplish or am I stalled as I focus on being “busy”? I’m afraid I’ve fallen into the last trap. My schedule is packed so full of small tasks that I’ve forgotten to include the big projects on it. That’s really a backwards way to do things but it sure does keep me busy.
So I think it may be time to revamp my schedule to focus on the large projects that are important to me and my career. I can then fit the smaller projects that are also important to my career goals around those large projects. It may also be time to re-evaluate some of the activities that keep me busy but aren’t really contributing to my career goals. But who has the time? I’m too busy…
It’s time to stop using being busy as an excuse to not work on my next book projects. I have two novels started and stalled and an idea for a nonfiction book that I need to explore developing. All this is essential to progressing my career. It’s also plenty to keep me busy.
So I have to decide whether I want to be busy with busyness or busy with the important stuff… I choose the important stuff. What about you?
I’ve posted another poem, Cross My Mind, on Associated Content. Cross My Mind also appeared in the anthology, Time After Time several years ago. This one is for all those who’ve lost love they remember fondly. Enjoy!
This week I got a lesson in asking for help. First for the confession. I’m not good at asking for help. Really never have been. I guess I’m afraid asking for help will make me look weak or vulnerable or needy. Or maybe I’m just plain stubborn. You decide.
Anyway, here’s the thing. None of us live in isolation. There are people willing to listen and to help. There are people willing to brainstorm and just be there. There are people willing to love unconditionally and support without strings. We just have to let them. Okay, okay. I just have to let them. When I feel the need to discuss something personal or professional with someone, I hesitate because I know the person has his or her own issues to handle. So I return to trying to fix whatever it is myself. I’d like to say that I forget other people can help, but that’s just not true. Sometimes I feel like it’s my problem, so I should handle it. What right do I have to burden anyone else? Other times I just don’t want the person in question to see me as “less than” whatever image I think they hold of me. Yet other times I want to prove I can do it - that I don’t need anyone. All of this is ridiculous, and my logical brain is well aware of that. After all, I always encourage people to ask me for help.
Asking for help has been a problem for me on and off for years. I’ve oscillated between never wanting help and always wanting help. There’ve been times when I couldn’t make a decision on my own about anything for fear of upsetting others - family, husband, friends, etc. Other times I rejected any offered input. Sometimes I’ve nodded while other people offered advice I hadn’t requested knowing full well I wasn’t really listening. Yet other times I’ve been more balanced weighing input against my own thoughts and conclusions before making a decision. Always the hardest part for me is admitting “I need help. I need someone to listen and give me feedback.” Sometimes this is because I have to admit a defeat or a failure or or a fault that I don’t want to expose. Other times its because I really do think I should be able to figure it out on my own and not doing so is giving up. I’m no quitter.
This week I found myself feeling a bit out of balance. I have an approaching professional decision that required more information to make. I was struggling with some personal stresses, but I’d rather not go into detail about that. In addition there were several other demands on my attention both professional and personal. The day-to-day of living doesn’t stop because our lives demand attention elsewhere. So I finally turned to some trusted friends who I knew would give me very different perspectives on the issues on my mind. As I explained the circumstances to each friend, the results about the professional decision were basically the same with one standing out because it came with someone I’d worked with in a similar capacity to the role I’m considering. She was able to help me hone in on some ways to approach the situation keeping my own best interests squarely intact. As for the personal stresses, the two friends I discussed those with gave me some valuable input and helped me zero in on what was really bothering me. The two inputs were helpful in very different ways.
If I hadn’t asked for help, I’d still be stuck trying to organize those thoughts and feelings myself and might still be missing the underlying issue. And, while ultimately the decision and the actions taken must be mine, having my friends provide feedback in a caring manner gave me room to think through the possibilities and weigh the options in front of me. Releasing the issues by talking about them gave me room to turn my focus back to my work and my household chores.
So next time you’re trying to figure something out and the process is taking longer and requiring more energy than it should, turn to a trusted friend to vent. Ask for help. You never know it just may help you find peace and prosperity in your life. Remember, we all need support and love. Give it and receive it. Life will be the better for it. So might your writing.
In this week’s The Prosperous Writer, Christina Katz talks about being polite.
I have to admit when I read polite was this week’s topic, I murmered “No duh. That’s a given.” But then I thought about it. How often have you been somewhere where rudeness ruled the day? How often have you wondered if anyone teaches manners these days? So, okay, maybe some people do need to be reminded to be polite.
I am a Southern girl. Please, thank you, you’re welcome, yes ma’am, no sir, excuse me, sorry etc. roll off my tongue without effort. That being said I can also turn on the Southern charm and tell you in no uncertain terms where you can spend eternity - no, not heaven, sweetie - and have you thank me for it without even realizing it until later. You may think that doesn’t exactly fit the definition of polite, but in my world it does.
People sometimes accuse Southerns of having their very own brand of English, and there may be some truth to that. Where else can you hear someone drawl slowly, “Well, ya know he’d had no raisin.’ Bless his heart. His Momma and Daddy just did the best they could. Bless their hearts.” Translation. He’s ornery as a rattlesnake (oh, geez, I just threw another southern expression in there. Translation 2: He behaves really bad.) and his parents never disciplined him or taught him how to behave. But, oh, doesn’t the first one sound so much more polite.
Once I was temping at Boise Cascade in Boise, Idaho. My job was to call a list of their offices around the country to gather information. The first three I called I received very abrupt greetings, got my questions answered, and went on my way feeling grumpier by the call. The fourth call I made I didn’t even pay attention to the number as I dialed. The gentleman who answered greeted me very pleasantly with a cheerful hello. When I told him what information I needed from him, he replied “Well, yes ma’am. I’ve got that right here for you. You let me know when you’re ready.” I smiled and said. “I’m sorry, sir, but do you mind if I ask where you’re at.” He said. “Of course not, ma’am. I’m in Florida. And, what part of the South are you from, ma’am? I can tell you’re not from Boise.” I laughed. “Sir, I knew you were in the South. There’s just something about Southern manners. I’m from Kentucky.” He laughed. “Yes, ma’am, my Grandmama would have my hide if I didn’t mind my manners.” We finished our business and hung up after wishing each other a pleasant rest of the day. As I went to get a drink of water, I realized how his politeness had lifted my mood while the three early calls had made me feel like an intruder. Amazing what good manners can do.
When I was growing up, there was no choice but to use good manners. Everyone, including my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and family friends would remind us to use our manners if we forgot. A few years ago I was with someone I didn’t know very well when her child asked me for something. I handed it to the child and when the child didn’t say thank you, I said “What do you say?” The child looked at me blankly and I was astounded. So I said very gently “Thank you. When someone hands you something you say “Thank you.” The child mumbled “Thank you.” I said “You’re welcome.” When I turned toward the mother, she was glaring at me. I mumbled to the mother “Sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep.” She shrugged. Since then I always look to the mother before saying anything to the child. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel all children should be taught good manners. I’ve just realized that unlike my upbringing some parents don’t appreciate others trying to teach their children manners.
When dealing with people in any setting, good manners always rule the day. They make people feel accepted and respected. My characters generally have good manners. Sometimes though, for plot lines, there are good reasons to create rude characters. They add interest to the story and depth to the characters. Showing someone who is normally polite suddenly being impolite can be a way to signal to the reader that the character is stressed, scared, or otherwise out of sorts.
One thing I’ve always found is that good manners open doors while bad manners get them slammed shut. When you treat someone politely, all you’re really doing is showing respect and consideration for the other person as a human being.
If you tend to throw niceties out the window for the sake of convenience, I challenge you to incorporate them into your daily life. You may find being polite gets your faster, better results. You may find it attracts people to you who are helpful and want to see you succeed. You may find it makes interactions that you normally avoid more tolerable. You may just find that it attracts success right to your door.
So, thank you for reading my blog. And, I hope you’ll back real soon! You’re always welcome here!
My short story, Tears & Cookies, about saying goodbye is now available on Associated Content. Hope you enjoy it.
A while back I posted a link to my Author’s Forum interview on You Tube. It is still available on You Tube but is now also available on the website of the show’s host, Veronica Esagui. Please feel free to check it out. Enjoy!
This week Christina Katz discussed empowerment in The Prosperous Writer. I’m looking forward to exploring this topic. I like empowerment. I like empowering others and feeling empowered myself. The very word empowered makes me smile. I can’t help it.
It’s also odd that this week’s topic is empowerment because my husband and I were just discussing the topic while driving home from Kentucky. I’m concerned about my nieces and nephews and wish to empower them to see their lives don’t have to be what they presently see. I want them to realize they have the power within to envision a different reality for themselves and make it happen. I found that power years ago and I want to show it to them. I’ve taken some criticism and been accused of abandoning my roots for taking steps to create the life I wanted to live. I didn’t abandon my roots because I appreciate them and I don’t forget them; however, I choose to live differently than my upbringing. I kept what served me well, learned from what didn’t, and applied it all to creating my current life. I’m not talking about perfection. I’m talking about finding the power within to change circumstances that don’t serve one’s life goals and make one feel joyful and grounded on a daily basis. My husband pointed out that without daily contact with my nieces and nephew, the influences under which they live are going to be stronger than anything I can do. I accept that reality, but still I must try. If I don’t, what kind of aunt am I? I don’t think empowerment can be shoved down anyone’s throat. The best we can do is open a door and let people choose whether or not to walk through it.
I spend a lot of my time trying to empower others because I know what empowerment has done for me. There have been people throughout my life who have empowered me to dream big, to reach beyond expectations, and to see possibilities. The least I can do is pass that on to other people, so I give it a good faith effort.
When I chaired Murder in the Grove, I felt that part of my role was to empower the authors participating in the panels and workshops to feel confident about their participation in the conference and what they had to offer both in terms of content and their books. It was important to me that lesser known authors be treated with the same dignity by our committee and our vendors as the well known authors in attendance. In turn, I expected the authors to pass on empowerment to the conference attendees. For me, the goal of the conference was to send all those present home with a sense of empowerment to explore their career goals and to know they had contacts to whom they could turn for encouragement or with questions. In turn, I felt empowered by the energy of the conference, the participants, the attendees, and the committee. Eventually though I began to find that I was giving away more empowerment than I was getting in return, and I started to feel depleted. At that point, I needed to re-evaluate my priorities and my role in the conference. The re-evaluation forced me to look at how my own goals had been pushed to the side. I had to find ways to refocus on them and eventually, in part due to the additional challenges a move to a different state brought, found it necessary to resign to focus on my writing.
I actively work to encourage fellow writers on social media sites and in person whenever possible. I find that an encouraging word can make all the difference in times when someone feels less than powerful. Truth be told, I sometimes feel that lacking when I need it in my own life. Usually when that happens I turn to a couple of good friends that I know will remind me of my own power even if I don’t tell them I’m feeling less than empowered at the moment.
Sometimes friends and family will express pain or despair over life circumstances. If I can say something empowering, I do. If I can’t, I let him/her know that I care. Sometimes that’s enough to empower.
I’ve known people who exhausted all my empowerment with their incessant need. I learned that it’s important to replenish one’s supply. If someone is constantly in need of empowerment but completely unable to give back, you may need to pull back from time to time to take care of yourself. Sadly, some people can never get enough empowerment no matter what you do. They are only empowered in the moment the power is given but can’t maintain it beyond that. Those people will leave you feeling used and exhausted. When empowerment works like it should, the person receiving it will either give it back or will pass if forward or both. Either way, he/she will learn to generate their own empowerment.
Every morning take a moment to assess your own sense of empowerment. Do you feel like you can face the chores of the day? Do you feel like you can tackle your latest writing project or other project? Do feel the power within you that gives you the ammunition to proceed? If not, what can you do to find it? For every person, it’s something different. Maybe working out will do it for you. Maybe getting those first words written will do it. Maybe you need to call a friend for encouragement. Maybe you need to reach out to your support system. Tap into your empowerment in the way that works best for you. It may take a few tries before you know your best resource and especially before you can find it internally, but you’ll get there. You have the power!!
I encourage you to try to empower one other person once a week for the next month. It doesn’t have to be the same person. If that works, go for more often - twice a week, three times a week, or even everyday if you have the reserves. You might find you feel more empowered yourself.
Empowerment has the power to travel from one person to another, from one person to a group, from a group to one person, or even within one’s self. Empowerment has the power to wrap itself around a person and radiate from them in every action they take. Empowerment generates more empowerment when treated with integrity. Stand strong in your empowerment and give it freely!
Empowerment is how we move forward. Empowerment is how we create change. Empowerment is how we feel our own strength. Empowerment is how we help others find their strength. Empowerment fills the voids inside. Empowerment tells us we can accomplish our goals and our dreams. Empowerment allows us to stand strong. Empowerment gives us the strength, knowledge, and desire to empower others as well as ourselves.
I was out of town last week when Christina Katz wrote aobut being Integrated in The Prosperous Writer, so my first instinct was to just not post anything on the topic. After all, I was on vacation. Besides, at first I couldn’t think of anything to say. Of course that changed…
Just to clarify, my vacation was a family visit to Kentucky.
Being integrated in any sense of the word is an ongoing challenge. Whether we’re talking about integrating people or integrating the contradictory parts of ourselves. In 1999, I wrote a poem, Laid Bare, about the contradictions that create me. Here are a few lines from it.
I stand before you
Presenting all I am
Nothing more, nothing less
Battle scars and smiles
Bruised heart and laughs
Broken soul and forgiveness
Too harsh with words at times
Too sensitive for my own good
Blind with determination
Afraid to succeed
Dreams of a perfect life
Doubtful of anything too good
Embracing the future
Hiding from the past
Needing too much
Independent to a fault
Loving fully
Pushing love away
Too trusting
Not trusting myself
I stand before you
Risking all I am
As I integrated the various parts of myself, I found I could learn from my contradictions. My contradictions weren’t positive or negative, they were what I’d needed at various times in my life to survive. I continue to use those contradictions to inform my writing as well as to live a fuller and happier life. The parts of me that protect me have relaxed because they no longer fear I can’t handle living. This isn’t to say they’ve disappeared, only that they aren’t on full alert at all times any more. The side of me that can enjoy life permeates my being much more because I’ve stopped fearing that happiness will make me vulnerable to pain. Integrating my contradictions is important to living a happy life and writing successfully. On the other hand, I love my contradictions. They make me the unique me I am, so I no longer try to kill them. I simply accept them, and they integrate themselves.
I’ve said before that accepting myself was much harder than finding myself. Those contradictions played a monumental role in my reluctance to accept myself for years. I struggled to accept that I could have contradictory urges living inside me, so I would try desperately to suppress the one I thought most undesirable. As I began to accept that those undesirable thoughts, feelings, and urges were a part of who I was, their power dissipated. They began to feel less undesireable and more acceptable.
I wrote to explore those contradictions and their integration. I found inspiration in them. As my various contradictions became integrated, I feared losing my inspiration to write. Instead I discovered that the integration meant I could better understand not only myself but others. I could write work that honored my contradictions without getting mired in them.
What about you? Are your contradictions integrated? Or do you struggle against them constantly? I urge you to use your contradictions to inspire your work and to find integration within yourself. Just keep in mind, integrating yourself and your work is an ongoing process, so embrace it and enjoy it. Life is better when we integrate.
One question I’m often asked is “Where can I read your work?”
To buy my novel, All She Ever Wanted, go to my website, Xlibris, BarnesandNoble.com, and TatteredCover.com. You may also find it at other online outlets or can special order it through most bookstores. To order it throug Amazon, click on the link below
To buy Be the Star You Are! for Teens, the book in which my essay, The Gift of You, appears, go to my website, Be the Star You Are, or numerous other online bookstores.
To order through Amazon.com, click on the link below:
Book Marketing from A-Z by Francine Silverman contains contributions from me regarding marketing All She Ever Wanted. You can purchase it at Amazon.com as well as other places.
As we celebrate Independence Day in the United States, let’s take a moment to think about all those in our country and our world for whom independence is just another word in the dictionary. We often take for granted the very ideas of both progressiveness and tradition upon which our country is founded. As we watch the fireworks blazing across the sky, let us remember that each sparkle represents lost lives and the sacrifices of families. We speak of celebration, but we forget the cost that allows us to have that celebration. We laugh, we drink, we eat, and we play as people around the country - and the world - go hungry, look for jobs, and struggle to put another meal on the table. We visit with family and forget those who will never see loved ones again. We think of our own losses and forget about the losses of others. We take a day off and forget about all those working that allow us to have that day off. We choose to abuse our Earth and expect her to keep taking care of us with no replenishment. We criticize and belittle those with whom we disagree rather than look for solutions to our joint problems. We forget that we all live in this country - in this world - and what we do affects someone else. We forget that when we spew hate and violence, we deprive others of their independence. We think more about being right even when we know we’re wrong than doing right. We care more about putting others down than lifting our fellow human beings up.
So on this Independence Day, I encourage you to stop for one minute and think of those who may be hurting, hungry, or oppressed. I encourage you to approach life with joy and an attitude of gratitude. I encourage you to choose to do the right thing when the damaging thing would be easier. I encourage you to decide against hate and violence. I encourage you to love more and give more.
Then go ahead and celebrate the joys in your life, the family you have, the friends you’ve chosen, and the fact that you are first and foremost a part of the human family.
Protest Poems published my poem, Foreign Language, today. Check it out! Enjoy!
http://protestpoemsdotorg.blogspot.com/2010/07/t-l-cooper.html