I was out of town last week when Christina Katz wrote aobut being Integrated in The Prosperous Writer, so my first instinct was to just not post anything on the topic. After all, I was on vacation. Besides, at first I couldn’t think of anything to say. Of course that changed…
Just to clarify, my vacation was a family visit to Kentucky.
Being integrated in any sense of the word is an ongoing challenge. Whether we’re talking about integrating people or integrating the contradictory parts of ourselves. In 1999, I wrote a poem, Laid Bare, about the contradictions that create me. Here are a few lines from it.
I stand before you
Presenting all I am
Nothing more, nothing less
Battle scars and smiles
Bruised heart and laughs
Broken soul and forgiveness
Too harsh with words at times
Too sensitive for my own good
Blind with determination
Afraid to succeed
Dreams of a perfect life
Doubtful of anything too good
Embracing the future
Hiding from the past
Needing too much
Independent to a fault
Loving fully
Pushing love away
Too trusting
Not trusting myself
I stand before you
Risking all I am
As I integrated the various parts of myself, I found I could learn from my contradictions. My contradictions weren’t positive or negative, they were what I’d needed at various times in my life to survive. I continue to use those contradictions to inform my writing as well as to live a fuller and happier life. The parts of me that protect me have relaxed because they no longer fear I can’t handle living. This isn’t to say they’ve disappeared, only that they aren’t on full alert at all times any more. The side of me that can enjoy life permeates my being much more because I’ve stopped fearing that happiness will make me vulnerable to pain. Integrating my contradictions is important to living a happy life and writing successfully. On the other hand, I love my contradictions. They make me the unique me I am, so I no longer try to kill them. I simply accept them, and they integrate themselves.
I’ve said before that accepting myself was much harder than finding myself. Those contradictions played a monumental role in my reluctance to accept myself for years. I struggled to accept that I could have contradictory urges living inside me, so I would try desperately to suppress the one I thought most undesirable. As I began to accept that those undesirable thoughts, feelings, and urges were a part of who I was, their power dissipated. They began to feel less undesireable and more acceptable.
I wrote to explore those contradictions and their integration. I found inspiration in them. As my various contradictions became integrated, I feared losing my inspiration to write. Instead I discovered that the integration meant I could better understand not only myself but others. I could write work that honored my contradictions without getting mired in them.
What about you? Are your contradictions integrated? Or do you struggle against them constantly? I urge you to use your contradictions to inspire your work and to find integration within yourself. Just keep in mind, integrating yourself and your work is an ongoing process, so embrace it and enjoy it. Life is better when we integrate.