I’ve been pondering apologies lately.
As a human being, I’ve thought various things about saying I’m sorry. At one point, I felt I should apologize for everything all the time. Then I thought apologies were a sign of weakness. At another point, I thought apologies were irrelevant because after all they’re just words. Now, I think apologies given when appropriate are important and overuse of apologies can dilute their meaning. At least I think that’s what I think. It certainly sounds reasonable and logical.
It’s easy to say “I’m sorry.” for the little things in life. Bumping into a stranger as you walk through the grocery with your mind on your grocery list instead of where you’re going. Snapping at a loved one in a moment of frustration. Even after an argument no one will remember in a week.
Sometimes though “I’m sorry.” doesn’t seem like enough to cover a wrong. Have you ever been there? Where you know the only thing you can do is apologize and yet the apology feels completely inadequate, maybe even like a cop out. I have more than once.
Is it ever too late for an apology? Granted you can’t go back to the person in the grocery store a week later and apologize, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking those wrongs we commit that are bigger, last longer, and/or change people’s lives or the way they view life. The wrongs that leave scars - physical, emotional, or mental.
Do we sometimes give ourselves more power than we really have when we feel we owe someone an apology after a long period of time? Maybe the wrong in question weighs more on the committer than the receiver. In this case, does an apology do more damage than good? I think the answer depends on the circumstances and the people involved. There is no easy answer.
For example I wrote a poem several years ago about someone I wanted to hear an apology from. I’ll never hear that apology and wouldn’t accept it if I did. I’ll never hear it because I can never take the chance of allowing the person anywhere near my life. I wouldn’t accept it because… well, essentially for the same reason I’ll never hear it. Self-preservation.
On the other hand, I recently apologized to someone for pain I caused many years ago - approximately nineteen/twenty years. This was someone I thought would never speak to me again and with good reason. At the time I hurt this person, hereafter known as J, I was so mired in seeing myself as a victim I was unable to see how any action I took could hurt someone else. I saw myself as being so unimportant, so inconsequential, that my actions were irrelevant. At one point, I even blamed J for not sticking around for more of my verbal and emotional abuse. At another time, I said it was J’s own fault for being “too nice”. We stopped communicating. It was easier for me that way. Probably for J as well. I wasn’t much fun in those days to put it mildly. (Frankly, the word bitch comes to mind.)
Years later when I finally resolved some emotionally traumatic events that happened shortly before I met J (the apology I’ll never hear), I realized how cruel I’d been in my attempts to protect myself. I hurt someone who was only trying to help me. I didn’t - or maybe couldn’t - see it at the time. J was a genuinely nice person with a good heart. My inability to see past my issues didn’t give me the right to strike out at J nor did my lack of capacity to give or receive trust or love. Anyway, I’d long wanted to apologize to J. I got the opportunity. Now I have. Because I didn’t want to rehash everything - and still don’t - I simply apologized for the pain I caused. I have no idea how - or if - J will respond to the apology. I feel a little guilty that it appears J may have already forgiven me because J seemed genuinely happy to hear from me even before I apologized.
I couldn’t really apologize for something specific because it was more a general treating J badly over a period of time. Those are often the hardest things to apologize for and the easiest to excuse. Even looking at the former paragraph, my reasons look like excuses to me though I know them to be honest. We do it every day. We lash out with hurtful words because as we all learned growing up “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words never hurt me.” It’s not true. I’ve both received and given my share of hurtful words. Sometimes those words stick with us forever. The scar may not be visible to everyone we come in contact with, but those who know us , see it and feel it when we lash out at them. I’ve come to hate this phrase once used as a child’s defense on the playground because people take it as a license to say whatever they want regardless of consequences.
I felt better after I sent the email with the apology, but will J get anything from it? I have no idea. If not, then did I apologize to make myself feel better? I hope I’m not that self-centered. Did I apologize seeking forgiveness? I don’t think so, yet I’d like to believe that my actions held no long term negative effects in J’s life. I tell myself I apologized to right a wrong or at least acknowledge a wrong. Twenty years after the fact, righting a wrong doesn’t really seem possible. The damage was done, and we both moved on in different directions. From the look of things, we each built happy lives. So I doubt the apology will bring any real change to either of our lives, but it’s said. If it brings even a small amount of comfort or release, I’m glad I did it. I hope it didn’t cause more pain by stirring up bad memories.
The freedom I felt after I apologized actually frightened me. To be perfectly honest, I hadn’t spent a lot of time thinking about this situation since I worked through my issues. Part of restoring my emotional balance (assuming I had ever had emotional balance) was to acknowledge and accept that my actions could and did hurt other people. This situation was one of these. I never thought I’d get the opportunity to apologize to J, so I put it to the side with an “if the opportunity presents itself then I’m meant to apologize. If not, life goes on.” attitude. Yet, my sense of release nudges a guilt forward that perhaps this apology was a helluva lot more about me than J. And, an apology should always be about the person hurt not the hurter.
So you tell me. Is there anyone you feel owes you an apology? Is there anyone you’d like to give an apology? Do you think an apology frees the apologizer, the apologizee, or both?
If you had the opportunity to apologize to someone you wronged a long time ago, would you do it? Or would you just hope all was forgiven and move forward?
As a writer, I often explore wrongs committed in my poetry, fiction, and essays. Unresolved issues make fabulous fodder for writers. Committed wrongs can range from personal relationships to social injustice to atrocities around the world. The written word explores all of these or at least has the potential. Sometimes I explore the apology as well, but more often than not writing the apology or other righting of the wrong is the end of the story - the resolution - especially in fiction. Real life seems to be quite a bit different where apologies are regarded. There are numerous possible outcomes to an apology.
Can you turn your need to give, or receive, a long overdue apology into a poem, a short story, an essay, or a blog? Can you find inspiration in an event from your past for which the pain has dulled but not been forgotten?
Inspiration often comes from these sources even if we don’t realize it. Embrace it, run with it, and write authentically.
Or maybe even apologize to someone if you think it will do good.
February 20th, 2010 at 11:11 pm Good questions… I need to think on my answers. To quote my blog: “Man I hate when you make me think!” Not really, I love it, but don’t tell my handful of readers!