I don’t often remember beginnings clearly and I rarely remember endings at all. I’m a little strange that way. I know it began because it was, and I know it ended because it is no more. The important thing is what happened in the middle.
I know we said hello, exchanged names, and talked about our interests. Everyone starts a relationship there. At some point we drifted into more personal details. Perhaps slowly, perhaps quickly, perhaps even too fast. As we relaxed our guard and started to get to know one another, potential vulnerabilities creeped into the relationship. They always do.
Maybe we exposed those vulnerabilities as a defense. Maybe I told you my deepest darkest secret just to see if you’d run away. Maybe I tested the water by bringing up the topic as if it happened to someone else or as a general statistic just to see how you’d react. Maybe I held back but hinted there was some painful event from my past you might not understand. Maybe I somehow managed to combine all three in the conversation.
Maybe you told me your deepest darkest secret. If so, we may have connected on familiar ground or fell into a competition of who’d had the worst life. Maybe you told me your life had been almost perfect until that moment. If so, I promise you I didn’t believe you. Maybe you admitted a painful experience but swore you were fine now. Maybe you described a life I wanted but could never have. Maybe that caused me to strike out with jealousy.
If you stayed after hearing my deepest darkest secret, I probably questioned your sanity or at least your motives. Maybe I upped the drama level or relaxed and let you into my inner sanctum. Maybe I questioned my own motives and sanity. Maybe I questioned my need for drama. Maybe you tried to save me or to fix me. Maybe I rebelled. Maybe I let you try until you were too tired to keep trying.
We grew closer, or did we? Relationships deepen, remain superficial or dissolve.
Maybe our relationship ran its course and naturally dissolved without painful words or feelings of abandonment. Maybe the ending was more abrupt with cruel words or actions. Maybe one of us betrayed the other in some way. Maybe I overwhelmed you with my neediness. Maybe you overwhelmed me. Maybe my aloofness pushed you way. Maybe yours shoved me.
Maybe we hung on to - or still cling to - the threads of our relationship even if all seems lost. We know the threads will either grow stronger, strain until they fray, or break. Maybe one day we even pick up a broken thread and gently tie it back together. It may not be as strong as before . It may or may not experience new growth. Or maybe we send a brand new thread out to start completely over.
Maybe our relationship withstood the strain we placed on its threads and thrives still today. Maybe we know when to give and when to take. Maybe we weathered the tough times standing beside each other without hesitation. Likely even if we weren’t together, the memory of what we had kept us from losing one another completely even when troubles cropped up between us.
There are so many maybes in life that dwelling on an ending - a goodbye - seems pointless. Goodbyes are rarely happy memories and usually result in someone feeling hurt even if the ending is mutual.
Regardless of which path you and I took, it’s up to us to decide where it goes from here…
March 9th, 2010 at 1:49 pm Whoa….