This week I got a lesson in asking for help. First for the confession. I’m not good at asking for help. Really never have been. I guess I’m afraid asking for help will make me look weak or vulnerable or needy. Or maybe I’m just plain stubborn. You decide.
Anyway, here’s the thing. None of us live in isolation. There are people willing to listen and to help. There are people willing to brainstorm and just be there. There are people willing to love unconditionally and support without strings. We just have to let them. Okay, okay. I just have to let them. When I feel the need to discuss something personal or professional with someone, I hesitate because I know the person has his or her own issues to handle. So I return to trying to fix whatever it is myself. I’d like to say that I forget other people can help, but that’s just not true. Sometimes I feel like it’s my problem, so I should handle it. What right do I have to burden anyone else? Other times I just don’t want the person in question to see me as “less than” whatever image I think they hold of me. Yet other times I want to prove I can do it - that I don’t need anyone. All of this is ridiculous, and my logical brain is well aware of that. After all, I always encourage people to ask me for help.
Asking for help has been a problem for me on and off for years. I’ve oscillated between never wanting help and always wanting help. There’ve been times when I couldn’t make a decision on my own about anything for fear of upsetting others - family, husband, friends, etc. Other times I rejected any offered input. Sometimes I’ve nodded while other people offered advice I hadn’t requested knowing full well I wasn’t really listening. Yet other times I’ve been more balanced weighing input against my own thoughts and conclusions before making a decision. Always the hardest part for me is admitting “I need help. I need someone to listen and give me feedback.” Sometimes this is because I have to admit a defeat or a failure or or a fault that I don’t want to expose. Other times its because I really do think I should be able to figure it out on my own and not doing so is giving up. I’m no quitter.
This week I found myself feeling a bit out of balance. I have an approaching professional decision that required more information to make. I was struggling with some personal stresses, but I’d rather not go into detail about that. In addition there were several other demands on my attention both professional and personal. The day-to-day of living doesn’t stop because our lives demand attention elsewhere. So I finally turned to some trusted friends who I knew would give me very different perspectives on the issues on my mind. As I explained the circumstances to each friend, the results about the professional decision were basically the same with one standing out because it came with someone I’d worked with in a similar capacity to the role I’m considering. She was able to help me hone in on some ways to approach the situation keeping my own best interests squarely intact. As for the personal stresses, the two friends I discussed those with gave me some valuable input and helped me zero in on what was really bothering me. The two inputs were helpful in very different ways.
If I hadn’t asked for help, I’d still be stuck trying to organize those thoughts and feelings myself and might still be missing the underlying issue. And, while ultimately the decision and the actions taken must be mine, having my friends provide feedback in a caring manner gave me room to think through the possibilities and weigh the options in front of me. Releasing the issues by talking about them gave me room to turn my focus back to my work and my household chores.
So next time you’re trying to figure something out and the process is taking longer and requiring more energy than it should, turn to a trusted friend to vent. Ask for help. You never know it just may help you find peace and prosperity in your life. Remember, we all need support and love. Give it and receive it. Life will be the better for it. So might your writing.
August 3rd, 2010 at 8:05 pm ;)